Ask Titania: What Is Not My Kid Syndrome?

Dear Titania,

My son is an honor-roll student, plays soccer, and is active in his youth group. We talk frequently, I use parental controls, and have never had to worry (so far!). His best friend is exactly the same, but recently his parents found out he has been sending inappropriate messages to an adult he started messaging on Snapchat. We are all shocked — no one wants to ever think their child is doing this kind of stuff behind closed doors. How do I make sure my child isn’t doing the same?

Signed, 

Surely Not My Child

Dear Surely Not My Child,

One thing is definitely still true in this crazy digital world: We all love our kids dearly and don’t want to imagine they’d ever do something dangerous, illegal, or risky. But good kids make bad choices — even seemingly perfect kids that never do anything wrong. Thinking otherwise can lead to “not my kid” syndrome, which is underestimating both the dangers they face and their willingness to get caught up in them. 

What Exactly Is Not My Kid Syndrome?

Over the years, I have spoken with a lot — and I mean a lot — of parents who have been blindsided by their child’s behaviors. Honor roll students, star athletes, super-shy sweeties who have never even so much as gotten a detention — there’s no type of kid who hasn’t made the occasional mistake. 

And that’s the important thing to remember: Kids will make mistakes. They’re learning how to be human in a crazy world, and their brains aren’t going to fully develop until they’re 25 years old! That’s a long way off when you’re in middle school. And today’s access to social media and technology is only making the growing-up-and-maturing thing even harder. 

But many times, it’s not the mistake that's the issue. It’s the parent ignoring red flags that led up to it by thinking that something bad could never happen. Some parents will even willfully turn a blind eye to things they know are happening in a kind of denial. A few common refrains from parents who have NMK syndrome are:

• My daughter is smarter than that.
• Our son knows better than to look at porn.
• My child isn’t the type to…
• Our kids would never talk to a stranger online.
• My child would never be that cruel to another human being
• I’ll know if my son is struggling with his mental health

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

I was chatting with a mother who just recently had her eyes opened by the sorts of things her daughter’s peers were getting into. They sat down to watch Childhood 2.0, a documentary about the online dangers facing kids in the digital age, and the mother was shocked. 

She looked at her daughter and asked if some of the things they learned about — rampant porn use, sexting and sending nudes, etc. — were common at her school. Her daughter replied that they were. And while she wasn’t involved with these types of activities, somehow the very fact of their existence hadn’t come up in conversations with her mother. And that’s how it finally became real to her (the mom). Not by reading our blog. Not by watching the news. Not by watching my reels. Only by hearing confirmation from her daughter did it hit close to home.

Just by merely knowing about some of the common dangers out there, you can help prevent Not My Kid Syndrome. I’ll get into more ways below.

Three Ways to Avoid Catching Not My Kid Syndrome

Stay active and engaged in your child’s life 

This one seems obvious, but the stress of modern life can put you on auto-pilot sometimes. Knowing what your child likes, who they hang out with, and what they do in their free time goes a long way to know who they are as a person. Spend time with them and really listen, and don’t be afraid to have hard but important conversations. In fact, do way more listening than talking. please.

Keep an eye out for behavioral changes

You know your kid best, so look for things that indicate they’re not their usual selves. This could look like unusual changes in appetite, sleep, and daily schedules. Pay attention to who they’re spending time with or if they’re losing interest in their usual activities and hobbies. 

Monitor their digital activities

Using a tool like Bark lets you give your kid a tech safety net. You’ll get alerts for potential dangers like drugs, sexting, predation, and depression, but you won’t have to sift through everything on their phone. This will help you keep an eye on their digital world while also building trust as they get older and need more freedom. 

Be a soft place to land when missteps happen

Make sure your child knows that they can always come to you if they get in trouble, feel overwhelmed, or make an error in judgment. Remember what it was like when you were growing up, and keep that in mind. Being a teenager is hard! Discipline and consequences are important, of course, but remember that you and your kid are a team when facing all of the digital challenges of growing up in today’s world.

How Bark Can Help

For families looking for a safer option when it comes to technology, I recommend the Bark Phone. Our built-in parental controls can help you manage nearly everything your child can do on it, helping to give them a digital safety net. 

The Bark Phone also monitors texts, saved photos & videos, and apps like YouTube, Gmail, WhatsApp, and countless others. You’ll get an alert for issues like sexual content, predators, bullying, suicidal ideation, drugs/alcohol, and all of the other things you need to know about. The best part? The Bark Phone gives children the ability to become responsible and healthier digital natives with close (but not overbearing) parental supervision.