Many parents didn’t grow up with online video games that allowed them to chat with strangers from across the world — it’s a relatively recent phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. But as the upper end of Gen Z ages into their late 20s, we’re seeing a rise in grown-ups who experienced online grooming and are now on the other side of it.
Recently, in Parenting in a Tech World, an anonymous woman in her mid-20s came forward with her experiences as a child who was groomed in Minecraft online chatrooms. Her story is powerful because it’s told by an adult to other adults, featuring personal experience. It sheds light on what goes on in the head of a kid in these situations, framed with the wisdom of mature hindsight.
The rest of this post will be told in the first person through her own words, and she wishes to remain anonymous out of respect for her privacy.
The Beginning
For more than two years between the ages of 10 to about 12, I was groomed by predators on a Minecraft roleplaying server (as well as other games) and it has severely affected me through adulthood. Here’s some things I wished my parents knew that may have tremendously impacted my experience and changed it for the better.
Why Kids Turn to Games with Chat
Games themselves aren’t inherently bad. I was a homeschooled kid in a quiet area with limited abilities to meet new people, which may have led to a need for connection even in bad places. I loved math, was increasingly interested in nature, and fostered a love for art and architecture through building.
However, multiplayer games mean anyone in the world can join them, including adults who prey on children. Vulnerable, lonely kids often seek “cooler” and “older” people to create a connection they don’t feel comfortable seeking at home. Additionally, I was a young girl going through puberty with little to no vocabulary about topics like sex or relationships.
I had nowhere to get my advice or information from, so I found it through seeking information in darker places. Open, judgement-free communication about these topics would have completely changed this for me. Momentary discomfort from parents navigating these topics are leagues better than traumatic experiences that result from lack of knowledge or turning to the wrong places.
“Not My Kid” Syndrome Is a Huge Danger
The “my kid knows better” or “they’re smart enough to know when something is bad” mentality was exactly how I got to where I was. I’m not blameless, I admit that. I deliberately lied about my age (I said I was 15-16, which is still a minor) because I craved people taking an interest in me, seeming popular, and having friends. But I didn’t do it to try and rebel against my family, or to hurt my parents.
Many Kids Are Just Seeking Connection in Chat Rooms
As a 10-year-old, I thought that I was as smart as the adults I talked to — that they genuinely liked me for me. My brain assumed these people weren’t enemies, or the same as the “stranger danger” white-van-with-candy people that had been drilled into my head. How could they be, when they were the only people to let me ask questions, talk about my feelings, and “care” about me? Kids want to assume the best in people, they’re curious, and hungry for new things. This is what makes them a target.
The Emotional Scars that Grooming Leaves
The shame and guilt surrounding grooming actually left me with larger scars than the grooming itself. After the group of adults roleplayed sexual scenarios and coerced me into sending a photo of myself to prove I was a real person, they awarded me with becoming a builder or moderator on the server itself, and spent countless nights asking me questions and chatting with me (even to the point where I was basically online “dating” a 20-year old).
They eventually discovered who I really was, as they found my Deviantart website where I had posted photos of my hometown, myself, and my family. That’s when I knew they were grooming me.
I freaked out. While most of them were overseas, one adult actually lived in my state about two hours away from me, and I called my online boyfriend. I was using a pseudonym and thought if I lied about my age and what county I lived in, I was safe. But by that point my social media usernames made that safety net dissolve. He wanted to try and start meeting up with me, and I quickly deleted my account. It went too far, and I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to.
Being Too Scared to Turn to Family for Help
I felt like my family would be too upset at me if I told them what I did, so out of guilt, I turned where I always turned — the internet. I found a site where people answer your questions (hint: very unreliable information), and looked up my problem. “Will I get in trouble for roleplaying sexual scenarios online if I’m underage?” And they said yes. But, mistakenly, they said it would be the child that would be prosecuted, not the adult.
So, at 12, I falsely felt I had unbelievably screwed up my entire life and would go to jail — all because I was curious on the internet. The big feelings I had felt in those few days were probably the worst I had felt in my whole life. I felt like I disgraced my family, that nobody would ever love me, and that the people online would show up at grocery stores or to my mothers’ place of business somehow and find me.
I became irrationally paranoid, depressed, and anxious. I poured my heart out in journals and snuck out in the dead of winter to bury them in my yard (very theatrical, I know). I felt like I was broken. And still, I refused to tell anyone my biggest secret.
Some Tips to Help Protect Kids from Online Predators
While trying to cover my tracks, I found out that Minecraft chat logs, as well as other things like screenshots, are actually saved onto your personal computer. Most people don’t know this, and it’s hard to figure out unless you know how to get inside the game files themselves. While I deleted them, parents can go back and read for themselves what happened, if they know where to look.
This can not only prevent it from happening in the future, but it can allow parents to be fully debriefed so they know what their child encountered. Taking precautions like putting the computer in a family room were what my parents did, but it wasn’t enough. I found a way to hide chats by pressing a button when they were around, which elongated my ability to talk to them.
Singleplayer games or vetted multiplayer servers, such as friends-only servers or LAN servers may prevent your child from talking online to people they shouldn’t.
Knowing who your child is playing with, as well as their parents, may help in supervision without having to stand over their shoulder all day. Additionally, using consoles that don’t have a very easily accessible keyboard like the Nintendo Switch may be a better option because it’s harder to talk to people.
What to Do If Your Child Experiences Grooming
Finally, if you or your child has experienced some type of grooming, it’s important to get them or yourself the resources needed. Being able to process traumatic experiences can be a huge step toward healing and can fundamentally change one’s life for the better.
It all starts with being open about your experiences. After going through this alone, therapy really helped me understand and debrief what was happening in my brain and how trauma impacts my behavior on a daily basis. What happened to me wasn’t nothing. Online grooming has similar effects as sexual assault and harrasment, and the goal in both of these cases is to strip the victim of their control. The lasting feelings they leave are oftentimes debilitating.
To kids, I say this: Predators and groomers target and manipulate people who are vulnerable. But this doesn’t mean you’re weak, or stupid, or uneducated. It just means that you went through something terrible, and you survived it and are growing from it, which actually makes you really strong.
Parents a lot of times have not grown up in the age of the internet like we have, so they didn’t know what to expect. It’s not your fault. You’re growing and learning right alongside them.
All of this to say that I’m writing this as to perhaps prevent it from happening to someone else in the future. As an adult, I want to protect other kids like I unfortunately was not. Thank you for listening to my story.
–Anonymous female in her mid-20s
Bark helps families manage and protect their children’s digital lives.
